They trigger, you react: how to stop the cycle
You’re a great mom, and you love your child. But sometimes you explode. And you find yourself wondering – or even berating yourself “Why did I get so mad? How could I lose it like that yet again?”
First of all, relax – you are not alone. All over the world overwhelmed parents yell at their children. Most of us know it’s not helpful, it’s not kind, and we take care to prevent it, but somehow when it all gets too much, it happens again. I want to address why it happens, and assure you that there is something you can do about it – without waiting for your child to change.
Understanding why starts with depersonalizing your reaction. On some level, the you that is screaming, berating or otherwise verbally attacking your child is a primal version of yourself that’s grabbed the steering wheel of your body. When your child ignores you, talks back, melts down, or refuses to cooperate, your nervous system can interpret it as a sudden loss of control. And to the primitive brain, loss of control feels like danger. It doesn’t calmly assess context. It doesn’t remember that this is a toddler or a hormonal teenager. It registers a threat to your authority and infers, very quickly, that you are powerless in this moment.
Once that conclusion is made, the body moves to correct it. Yelling is not random; it is an ancient strategy for regaining power fast. A louder voice, a sharper tone, bigger energy — these are dominance signals meant to restore order. Your primal self isn’t trying to ruin your relationship with your child; it’s trying to reestablish control as efficiently as possible.
The problem is that what once worked in high-stakes survival situations doesn’t work well in modern parenting. Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does give you something crucial: space between who you are and the reaction that just took over.
So how do we stop ourselves from getting so angry?
And is there a way to prevent our primal selves from taking over?
The answer to the first questions is, we don’t. We can’t stop a nervous system that’s already been triggered. Our best intentions will always fly out the window the moment it happens. What we can do is notice our reaction and then respond. When you start to lose it, you are initially “out of your mind”. But then comes a moment where you realize “Oh no, I’m doing it again, this isn’t right” or other cautionary language. This is where the opportunity comes for you. You can say “This isn’t me, this is my reaction. It’s time to get out of this situation”. At that point, you can take a few breaths, go into another room, or get out into the fresh air and take a walk – your response will depend on your location and the age of your child. Don’t try the impossible task of finding solutions to your child’s behaviour. Simply give your nervous system the time to rebalance.
The answer to the second question is where growth and healing can occur. The way out of this cycle is through prevention. Prevent some of these reactions through tried and true ways of taking care your own health – eating enough, getting rest, fresh air and exercise – because the less healthy you are, the more reactive your own nervous system is. But there is another, deeper way of prevention – one that changes the trigger itself – using a practice called self inquiry.
Here is how you can apply self inquiry to prevent your own outbursts – as well as better understand how to respond both you and your child’s needs.
First, bring to mind the last time you lost it with your child in a way that you regret. Notice all the things that you were thinking at the time. For instance “He never listens to me. She’s disrespecting me. They are ruining their life.” These are the kinds of thoughts that trigger reactions.
Then, pass one thought through the four questions and turnarounds of self inquiry. I follow a method of self inquiry called The Work of Byron Katie and the complete methodology, with free downloadable documents, is here.
When you emerge from this practice, you’ll have a greater understanding of and more compassion for your child, and yourself. And best of all, as you do the practice, it eliminates the trigger, and you start to be able to shine a spotlight on other triggers that remain.
It’s time to let yourself be the parent – to your child and yourself – that you truly want to be.
You can do the practice of self inquiry by yourself through the link I provided – that’s how I started. But if you’d like some help, contact me for an introductory session to learn the process. Please know you don’t have to navigate the stress of parenting on your own. You can connect to me through the “Work with Sarah“. You can also listen to my podcast Your Thoughts at Work and experience how I use self inquiry to guide people through their work stress.